My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
