You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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