You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
