i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
