in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
