What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
