I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You're like the curious george of whores
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
