'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
