I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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