my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
