walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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