I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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