just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
