You just made me feel so damn special
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
