i just sent this text using only my big toe
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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