Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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