shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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