get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
