Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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