What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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