I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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