my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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