"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
