so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
