he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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