3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
