I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
