Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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