I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize