swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
