3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Non-Jews are for practice
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
