i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
