do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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