I'm drive I can fine osifer
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
