She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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