Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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