alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
