You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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