i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
