I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
