Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
