Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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