please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
