Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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