In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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