my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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