he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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