I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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