can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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