No stitches, just platelets and will power
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
