You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
