I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
