Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
