we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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