Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Your cock deserves a montage
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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