you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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