Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize