The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i barfeds in our rink
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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