Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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