What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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