you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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