i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think your dad took our porno
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
