he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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