chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
