i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
