I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
