You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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