i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
